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 3/15/12 - Let's talk about our feelings.

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awkwardlyAwesome
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Post3/15/12 - Let's talk about our feelings.

Heya. Rattie here again. Sorry that I've been kinda inactive lately..school stuff and other things of the such.. Also sorry that my recent blog posts have been kinda strange and depressing. I tend to overreact to a lot of things when I'm upset. =/ I think I suffer from anxiety now. So....yeah.

Besides that, had a pretty awesome 4 day weekend! There was the epic school event again...and Red won again! Can't wait for what next year's will be like! I'm definitely gonna try being a captain next year!

So onto the main topic. In English class we're reading this book called The Stranger by Albert Camus. The main character in the book is an existentialist. What is an existentialist? It's a person who believes that life has no true meaning and we just live to, well, live. According to them events in life are random, and is based on your own decisions. Now recently I've felt that some of these ideas are kinda true, but I'm not gonna back down on my Catholic faith.

Alright, so I was supposed to post this two days ago, but I guess that never happened, so I'm posting it today. Wanna hear about today? Well today was just...strange. I feel like I haven't quite been myself lately. I've been having...some pretty bad thoughts. I seem to dwell on the negative more than I used to, which is weird because I've always been an optimist. I think I may be going through depression. Uh...I kinda tried using a razor.....didn't leave a single scratch because I've gone through that once before and I don't want to do it again. Now I don't want you to lecture me about how I've gotta stop thinking like this and all that hooplah. I know already. I've been trying to stop these feelings for the past....6 months now. So don't bother giving me a whole pep talk about this crap.

To be honest, I just want someone to listen. Lately I've been feeling like I can't trust anyone. This blog is basically one of the only ways I can get my emotions out. And no, please don't give me a list of other ways I can release these feelings, because I'm sure to have already tried that, and it didn't work.

Recently in health class we've been discussing emotions, stress, and other things like that. I think the more this topic is touched upon in school and other places, the more pessimistic I get. I feel like I'm going to go into another one of those horrible episodes of screaming and negativity. Actually, some of that is already starting to leak. I can feel everything inside slowly start to come out. I kinda feel emotionless right now actually. I don't feel...anything. I'm just typing this out and trying to get my homework done, which I don't think will happen...but I will try to finish anyway.

To be honest, I don't know why I feel this way. I mean, I should already be over what happened months ago. I should be moving on with life, as if it never happened. BUT IT DID HAPPEN. That's what makes it so difficult to just move along. Here, why don't you try my point of view for a moment:

You have found someone who you feel is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to you. You never knew that this person was gonna make such an impact on your life. There is a certain attraction that you have for this person, but you don't know what it is, or why it's there. A few months after keeping these thoughts inside, you decide to tell this person. They accept it. Turns out, they end up having the same attraction to you. Your heart begins to race because this has never happened to you before. You end up being around that person a lot, and the common attraction brings you closer that it ever has before. The only thing now is that everything is now a secret, and nobody else should know about this.

A few weeks later things start to get closer between the two of you. You are able to share basically everything with that person. Luckily, they understand you, and share some of the same viewpoints you do. You two are either sympathetic or empathetic to each other. Your love for this person has surpassed any other interest you've ever had for anyone else. One day the best thing happens; everything is great. Problem now, you two are found out by someone. The two of you are separated physically for a few weeks. Their authorities find out, and the two of you must break. Now you still see each other almost everyday, even have slight conversation, but you are not necessarily close anymore. You do not know how exactly the other feels, but you are devastated. You try not to show this, but it does anyway. You try to let go, but that doesn't work. There is nothing you can to to try to fix this problem, for you fear your life because of it.


Long story short, I kinda hate authority now. I feel almost useless. There's nothing I can do to make everything okay again. I screwed up the lives of others, and my own. I am completely sorry for doing so. I don't even care if I am forgiven anymore, because I know I won't be.

Well that should be enough for today. It's already past midnight, and I should really be getting to bed. Talk to you all soon.

~Rattie



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3/15/12 - Let's talk about our feelings. :: Comments

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Re: 3/15/12 - Let's talk about our feelings.
Post on Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:49 am by KrystaSora
Im sorry :L It seems so hard, but you know. . .I'll always be here for ya! ALWAYS! C:
 

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